i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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