JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Randomize