Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
