Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
