I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
