Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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