This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
