Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Randomize
