Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i think i have herpe
just one?
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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