And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
