Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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