I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
