I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Randomize
