You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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