So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
