I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
