Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
