your parents love me but you hate me
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
