While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
