I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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