yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
