Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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