He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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