i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
