We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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