This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize