He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
