Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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