so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
