ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
