Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
