I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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