He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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