Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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