Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
