Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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