I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
