a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Randomize
