the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
