Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
