I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
