Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
