my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
