if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
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