so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
