It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
you mean i was at the winter classic?
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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