your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
