I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Terrible idea I love it
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
