a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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