I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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