i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Randomize
