I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Lets evaluate? U kissed one boss and lef twith another man. I cock teased the other, hardcore had a tongue jammed down my throat, made out w aa third then left in a cab w alex w them all yelling at me and offering rides. My cheek was also licked and bitten by 2 other men and we almost made out (u and me) because they asked. were hired.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
We need a shit load of segways right now
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
