I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
