Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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