my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
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