Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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