I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize