My liver just broke up with me...
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
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