Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
