ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
