I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
So. Much. Porn.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
