In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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