woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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