I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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