Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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