she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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