I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
