I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
high people should be assigned attendants
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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