Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
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