my sisters under your porch take her home
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
