anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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