i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
